SEEEEXXX PLEASE
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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