I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
