If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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