Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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