I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
