I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
