I'm pants shitting drunk right now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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