weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
