Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
