Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
