I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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