Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
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Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
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At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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