How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
