pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
