if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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