Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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