1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this will be a night to untag.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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