I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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