Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
