I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
