I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
