She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
