remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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