I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you win again, gameday.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
