I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
