I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You made out with two different species that night
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
