I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
