happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
