it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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