The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
