Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
