oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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