Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
