Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
