Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
