I am spending my child support on dildos
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
