i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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