Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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