I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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