If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
