She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
