I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
