plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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