If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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