i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
