Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sext me about skeletons
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
