don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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