tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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