god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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