My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
