I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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