So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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