His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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