I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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