I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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