I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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