She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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