well I can't set my house on fire every night
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
