Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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