WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
