just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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