I feel like I'm in dance class right now
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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