Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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