Sober January is a disaster.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
