I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
