everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
